SIGNS YOU HAVE NO LIFE..............

from Midnight dreary



Alright everyone! Here it is! I proudly present the SIGNS YOU HAVE NO LIFE list. If any of these sound familiar, not only do you have no life, but I also suggest you seek professional help. This list was compiled for your reading pleasure by Morrigan, Andrea, and Dana.


1. You get a third shift job at Wal-Mart just in case your favorite vamp
needs to stop in for groceries, cosmetics, gardening equipment, etc.

2. You call everyone in the phone book with any variation on the name
Lioncourt ( Lyon, Lionne, Lions, etc.) and ask for Lestat.

3. Whenever you hear the song "Louie, Louie", you blast it and sing
along as loud as you can.....just because.

4. You write letters to Tom Cruise and tell him that if he doesn't dress
like Lestat at all times and bleach his hair blonde permanently you will
boycott all of his movies.

5. When Brad was dating Gwyneth you sent her hate mail every week
telling her she wasn't good enough for your "Louis".

6. You kidnap Antonio Banderas and make him write 500 times on a
blackboard "I will just say no to wigs!"

7. You keep calling Kirsten Dunst demanding that she stop growing up
(and out) so she can be Claudia FOREVER! She hates you.

8. You think Twizzlers, along with toast and juice, are part of a
nutritious breakfast.

9.You start a group called The Clan of No Life, and you actually have

10. You send hate mail to Nicole Kidman because she gets to see Tom in

11. You classify everyone you meet as either a 'Louis' or a 'Lestat'.
Even your Mom.

12. You call your boyfriend Armand......and his name is Larry.

13. You know where to buy a good set of fangs.

14. Every year you go to the office Halloween party as a different Rice
vampire and make your co-workers act out scenes from The Chronicles at

15. You ask Kirsten out, and ask her if she could curl her hair, wear a
frilly dress, fangs, and bring a doll. She hates you.

16. You keep bailing Christian Slater out of jail JUST IN CASE they
start working on the sequel. He loves you.

17. You persuade your girlfriend to dye her hair red and pretend she has
no tongue.

18. If, after three hours on TVC your favorite vamp hasn't answered one
of your questions, you throw a tantrum and generally destroy things.

19. You have your favorite vamp's name tattooed some place that doesn't
show when you're wearing clothes.

20. If 'Interview With Vampire" is on T.V. ANYWHERE you must watch it,
even if it's more than half way over.

21. On long road trips, you and your friends always sing a rousing
rendition of "100 Bottles of Blood on the Wall"

22. On TVC, if a newbie flirts with your favorite vamp, you invite one
of your hacker friends over to discover their web address so you can
send them hate Email.

23. When watching "IWTV" with friends who have never seen it, you still
pretend to be surprised at the ending.

24. You spend entirely too much time trying to say "Good" like Antonio

25. When Brad dumped Gwyneth, you had a party.

26. You keep sending Kirsten dolls for her birthday. She hates you.

27. You rent "Blade Runner", "Time Bandits", and "Apocalypse Now" every
weekend.....Just because.

28. You decorate your entire house in red velvet. Even the toilet seat.

29. You have been arrested repeatedly for dating seventeen year old boys
with angelic faces and curly auburn hair.

30. You keep writing to Kim Basinger telling her she needs to play
Gabrielle in the film version of "The Vampire Lestat".

31. You write Warner's and demand that Gabrielle have a nude scene in
the film.

32. If you've posted a particularly probing question on TVC, you tell
your boss you have Malaria so you can go home and check the Board.

33. On your days off, your family has to slide your meals under your
door so you don't have to leave your PC.

34. You ask your boss if you can wear your prosthetic fangs to work.
You're now unemployed.

35. You've actually 'priced' coffins.

36. You've actually bought a coffin and use it as a coffee table in your
living room.

37. You've actually bought a coffin and use it as a bed.

38. You've actually tried to figure out what Stan Rice's poetry means.

39. You actually bought one of the Lestat dolls. (you poor thing)

40. You keep calling Kirsten and leaving messages on her machine. You
simply say "I want some more" in your best Claudia voice. She hates you.

41. ALL of the cast members of "IWTV" have restraining orders against
you. Even Stephen Rhea.

42. When your favorite vamp sees a post from you on TVC, they
immediately cringe.

43. Michel at TVC has deleted multitudes of your posts because of their
sexual content.

44. You've actually made up cutesy nicknames for your favorite vamps.

45. Your family keeps wondering who the hell (insert fave vamp's name
here) is and why if you like them so much, you don't invite them to

46. You make your boyfriend/girlfriend bite your neck. You call it
foreplay. They call it SICK.

47. You make your boyfriend buy a Harley because Lestat has one.

48. Whenever your friends say Louis is whining during "IWTV" you spit in
their popcorn.

49. When Lestat calls Louis a whiner and your friends laugh, you banish
them from your couch and take away their beer.

50. You go to the dentist for a routine cleaning and come home with
elongated incisors.

51. You plan your wedding in the colors black and blood red. Your mother
goes into cardiac arrest.

52. You throw a temper tantrum at the optomitrist's because he can't get
violet colored contacts in your prescription.

53. You go on a trip to New Orleans and set up a Vampire Look-out on Rue
Royal, complete with lawn chairs, blankets, a cooler full of beer, and
plenty of Twizzlers.

54. You go to San Francisco and rent a house on Divisadero
Street........Just because.

55. You pretend to be really depressed and hang out in cemetaries hoping
Armand will find you.

56. You kidnap Brad Pitt and inform him that if he doesn't agree to
reprise his role as Louis in the sequel, you will tie him up and force
him to watch "Cutting Class" and "Cool World" for three weeks straight.

57. You accidentally scream out your favorite vamp's name during sex.

58. You took 70 bottles of White Out to your copy of "Memnoch the Devil"
and rewrote your own version, complete with a torrid sex scene between
Lestat and Louis.

59. Your family and friends refuse to watch "IWTV" with you because you
annoyingly say all the lines along with the actors.

60. You invite Nicole, Melanie, and Gwyneth over for a Tupperware party
and make a quick getaway before the bomb goes off.

61. You named your dog Mojo.

62. You named your cat Mojo.

63. You named your firstborn Mojo.

64. You make obscure connections between The Star Wars Trilogy and The
Vampire Chronicles.

65. The rewind and slow-mo buttons on your VCR remote are broken from
overuse during the 'Almost Kiss' scene in "IWTV".

66. You go into an online vampire chat room as a Rice vamp and kick all
the Masquerade vamps asses in role playing.

67. When you listen to the soundtrack from "IWTV", you say the dialogue
from the film that goes with the music.

68. You keep buying poet shirts and tight velvet pants for your
boyfriend, and dress him up while he calls you names under his breath.

69. You keep leaving threatening messages on Anne's fan line about not
including Louis in her books more. She hates you.

70. You buy hundreds of books you think Louis might be interested in and
leave them in plain sight before you go to bed JUST IN CASE he drops by.

71. You and your best friend have legally changed your last names to de
Lioncourt and Pointe du Lac

72. You start incorporating french expressions such as "Mon Dieu" and
"Ma chere" into your everyday conversations.

73. At the end of "IWTV", you always watch the credits so you can see
the sun rise over the Golden Gate Bridge.

74. Three words: Blood Flavored Twizzlers